


December 17: Penguin, James Penguin

by Susspencer



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Penguins, Christmas Miracles, Fluff and Humor, Mall Santa Claus, Other, Santa's Elves, Visiting Santa Claus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 15:56:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16998069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susspencer/pseuds/Susspencer
Summary: When the mission goes South, Q asks for some help from the North to save James.  Can Santa save James Bond from this sticky wicket?  It's a cold day at the pole.  James may just have met his match.





	December 17: Penguin, James Penguin

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [FA_ProfilersForChristmas2018](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/FA_ProfilersForChristmas2018) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Penguin, James Penguin by Brad Paisley.

Q was at the mall doing his Christmas shopping. 007’s mission was supposed to be routine. He kept his laptop with him in case and an earwig in his ear. He was mid-mall when he heard what might be potential trouble. He sat at a table near Santa’s Workshop where thousands it seemed were in line to get their photos with Santa. At least this would give him some privacy to open his laptop and track what was happening. He turned for a moment and made eye contact with Santa. Q sighed and nodded at the man. Santa gave a wink and nodded back.

As Q caught up with things, James was in a pickle, to say the least. He was surrounded and running low on gadgets and ammo. Q found an escape route that was very tight. He gave the instructions to James. When the opportunity arose, James sprung for the escape route. He made the first three turns, but on the fourth, there was the henchman, Mr. Gouche. James started to fight with him hand to hand, as he looked for something to use as a weapon. The next thing Q heard was a gunshot ring out. James hit the ground. He gasped for air and help. Mr. Gouche just laughed. Q could hear Gouche walking away. Q was in a panic. Help was at the end of the escape way, they couldn’t reach James in time. Q was scrolling through all their resources in the area, while his mind was wishing that his friend wouldn’t die, and while he was telling Bond to slow his breathing and put pressure on the wound.

“Not gonna make it old friend,” James said.

“Yes, you are. You always do. Now stop talking, conserve your energy.”

Q started praying to every deity he could think of, even though he rarely believed in any. He looked up for a moment at Santa Claus and stopped.

“Santa, please save my friend James. I know you have your magical ways. I believe in you more than anyone else. Please. -Sniff sniff- Please.”

Q didn’t even realize he had started to cry. He pulled himself together. A good Brit and member of MI6, stiff upper lip and all. He listened again and heard nothing over the coms. He called out to R who heard nothing either. They had a long wait until the rescue team finally arrived at his location to find nothing.

“Nothing? What do you mean nothing?” Q yelled, a bit too loud for the mall.

The team forwarded pictures and explained. How do you explain where he went. He had been there. There was dried blood on the ground. Maybe for some reason the people he was after took him but that made no sense. Q finally accepted what had been reported to him. He put his laptop back in his satchel and gathered his shopping. Just as he stood from the table, Santa tapped him on the shoulder.

“My shift is over. Come with me for a moment. I think I can help you out.”

Q looked at him quizzically, “OK.” and followed him to a dressing room in the back or the mall, with much suspicion. 

“I may just be a mall Santa, but as we tell the tots. We let the real Santa know what is going on. I heard your prayer out there.”

“Oh, that silly thing. “ Q blushed. 

“It was heartfelt and selfless. The big guy says he is working on it. Just keep believing.”

“Oh! That’s ...um..wonderful. Let me know how I can um be of assistance then.” Q said, hesitantly unsure if he should be excited or call security.

The mall Santa gave him a wink and a candy cane. Q wasn’t sure if this guy was nuts or had a connection to the real Santa. Or if he had lost his mind completely. He found his way out of the mall and to his car. Q headed home. He needed a drink. Whoa, he thought, now he had begun to think like James.

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

James felt himself float above everything. He went from the cold feeling of death to the warm embrace of something. He tried to look around, but he couldn’t move his head. James heard voices. They were all around him. There was one deep voice that commanded the others. Then everything went dark, he could still hear and he thought he could feel his body change. 

When James awoke, things felt odd, but he had been shot and all. He sat up slowly to take in his surroundings. Things were warm and cozy. He heard someone say “get the boss he's awake.”

James looked around for his weapons. He found none. James reached for a small hammer on the table next to him. He knocked it on the floor. When he looked at his hand to see why it didn't grasp, he saw that it resembled a black flipper. He looked at the other and found the same thing. He wiggled out of the blankets to find that his middle was white. As he reached his yellow webbed feet, Santa walked in.

“Good morning, Mister Bond. I see you've discovered your new body.” Santa started.

“What have you done?”

“Let me explain. You were dead. Then your friend, Langley prayed to me to save you. So, I did the best that I could.”

“Langley?”

“I believe you call him, Q,”Santa said.

“He would, the wonderful bugger.”

“Now you can't quite wander around London with this look,” Santa said, with a snap of his fingers.

The elves brought in a full-length mirror so that James could see himself. He was an attractive penguin. He resembled himself in a tuxedo. This he could work with. Santa allowed James the freedom to get used to his new body around his workshop. His first few attempts at waddling ended in faceplants. 

“Thank God, Q and his minions can't see this. I would never hear the end of it.” Bond said to himself

As Bond got used to the waddle, the flippers, and the beak, he started to recruit elves to help him get around and accomplish things. 

“Nice to meet you, Miss Jingles. The name is Penguin, James Penguin. “

Miss Jingles giggled, but soon found herself convinced to smuggle some tools out of the workshop. It seemed that James hadn't lost any of his charms. Santa had many distractions that kept him from a return visit to James. 

James wandered quite by accident into the naughty and nice center. He was almost bowled over by an elf that came by. He moved to stay out of the way, yet do some Reconnaissance. He watched as the elves tripped over themselves to get up to date information to Santa. He saw them struggle to follow up on kids that Santa wanted to check twice. Bond was only caught when he turned in the shadows and his white belly showed. Tossed quickly out on his rear, like a common spy, James stood brushed himself off and straightened his red bow tie.

“I'll thank you not to muss the formal wear.” 

James knew he owed Santa. This was where he could help. He certainly couldn't help in wrapping or construction. As a flightless bird, he couldn't give a reindeer the night off, but spy work? Count him in. 

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

While James was in closed-door discussions with Santa, Q was at Mi6. Today M moved James from MIA to presumed dead. This opened up his 00 to be reassigned. Q’s heart broke those numbers belonged to one man, and one man only. Once, the mini memorial service ended, Q returned to his office. He discovered a gift on his desk. It said open now. Q ripped into the paper. It was a comlink. Q was puzzled. They normally come in sets and there was no reason for someone to send him a set. Q searched the paper for the sender's name. Nothing no name, no DNA, nada.

Q picked up the com and placed it in his ear. He heard hammers, high pitched voices, and was that James? It couldn't be. Two and a half weeks had passed. Christmas was five days away.

“007? Q branch here. Is that you Bond?”

“Are you in your office Q?”

“Yes. Do you need me to lock it down?”

“No. This is Santa’s secure frequency. I need some gadgets fast. I have a special mission has to be completed by the twenty-fourth. You were the only one I could trust.”

Santa? Secure frequency? Could this really be James? Q had to be sure. There was only one way to know.

“How can I trust that you are the real James Bond?” Q asked stone-faced.

“You can’t quite can you? However, when I died, you made a wish to the Big guy in red, to save me. He did, but I am not sure it is how you wanted. I am sure you wanted your sauve secret boyfriend back.” 

Q grew anxious. What has happened? 

“Stop the shenanigans, Bond. Tell me.” Q demanded, in that tone James always obeyed.

“Close your laptop.”

Q reached forward and closed his laptop. Hidden behind it was a penguin. The Penguin stood to his full height, brushed himself off, and looked Q in the eye. The eyes were blue. Penguin eyes were normally black. Q examined the penguin up and down, then it spoke.

“Anchovy Smoothie please, shaken not stirred.”

Q jumped back in his chair. His mouth hung open. James reached up with his flipper and tapped his chin.

“Don’t want anything to fly in there, now do we?”

Q took a moment. Shook his head. Looked at those eyes again.

“James?”

“Penguin, James Penguin.”

After a cuppa, James explained his plan to Q. Q studied James for a bit, then took some measurements. He patted James on the head and got to work. James hadn’t recalled Q to work with this much passion in a long time. Q’s usually pristine workbench was covered with debris. There were mumbles under Q’s breath, short breaks for another cup of tea, and design tie on the laptop. Q had left his coat and scarf on a chair. James found it, curled up in it, and fell asleep. The familiar smell of his boyfriend was soothing. When Q finished his tasks, he turned to show them to James, only to find a ball of penguin in the chair. Q took this time to clean up his workbench. Just as he finished, he heard someone use their id in the card reader. He quickly put the finished gadgets in a nearby shopping bag. Just as he turned to hide James, R was at his workshop door. Q waved at her, to acknowledge her arrival, but she seemed to need to talk to him. 

“You look like you haven't slept a wink, Q. what have I told you about taking of yourself?” she grumbled at him. 

“Had an urgent order from Santa. I certainly couldn't turn him down, that would get me on the naughty list.” Q quipped as he grabbed his bags.

“Good day, then sir.” R shouted at the back of his head.

Once Q was in a secure location, the stairwell near the roof, but about twenty-seven steps from it. This was the perfect spot to not be seen by cameras or picked up by listening devices. Q sat down on the step and lifted James from the bag.

“Sorry to toss you around like a toy, mate. Had to keep suspicion low. You alright?”

“Fit as a fiddle. Now, what have you created for me?”

Q pulled out penguin size repelling gear. He had smaller cufflinks made to fit his flippers, in them tiny uplinks to satellite Santa. A camera for his bow tie what else could he want. The spy inside him wanted something that exploded and shot, but this was Christmas that would be too much.

Just as Q finished, there was a noise upon the rook. A kind of prancing and pawing of little hooves. Q let out a sigh, as he kissed James’ head. Q picked up James and his gadgets. He slowly walked those twenty-seven steps to the top. He opened the door to the roof, stepped out, and walked to Santa's sleigh. 

“I believe you are here for him,” Q aid, as he handed Santa James.

“Ho Ho ho, yes are a mutual friend.” Santa laughed. “But also, do you think Mi6 would miss you for the day?”

Q looked at Santa quizzically, but the “no they wouldn’t miss me at all,” was past his lips before the thought to answer hit his brain. 

“Well, let’s load up and get out of here before someone’s radar catches us.”

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

Q sat next to Santa and held James tightly to him to keep him safe on the flight. It was woosh, swoosh, and a flight through the stars. They landed in what seemed like moments. Q made a mental note to get with Santa offseason, about that. It was spectacular and certainly, Q could learn from it. Santa led Q and James to a new room off to the left of the naughty and nice center. The door had some letters on SCFBI. They all giggled as they went it. Miss Jingles greeted them. She showed James the lay of the land, while Santa stepped out in the hall with Q.

“I want to thank you for the gadgets you have outfitted James with, they will help keep up with the blossoming number of children there are to keep track of,” Santa said.

“My pleasure, sir. At your service anytime.” Q replied, with a side nod.

Santa smiled, “ I was hoping you would say that. I need your skills to update the sleigh with some modern technology if you don’t mind, and see if James needs anything else before you leave.” 

“Yes, sir. I will need some tea ..”

“Earl Grey. I’ll have the elves right on it.” Santa smiled as he led Q to the sleigh.

Q had it outfitted with wi-fi and GPS, before his second cuppa. When he finished the sleigh, he went back to SCFBI. He found that James was already monitoring a lad who looked like he might just make the wrong choice. When blam, from somewhere a large amount of soft fake snow, fell, right upon his head, the choice changed to a fun snowball fight instead. Q smiled at James, as he said “Mission well done. Naughtiness avoided. Come home number one.” 

James motioned for Q to come closer to the desk. He gave Q a peck on the cheek.

“I’m going to miss our cuddles and commotions. Yet, I think thanks to you, I have a higher calling now. Something to make up for all those indiscretions from before. I’ll miss you, but I’ll always love you.” James said his flipper on Q’s shoulder. 

“As it should be, you have the skills needed here. Just consider it a long-term mission. I love you, too. See you when Santa allows.” Q said, his voice squeaked at the end

“Will do, thanks for the gear. You sure you have nothing that explodes?” James chuckled

“Only, you James,” Q said as he patted his head and left.

As Q reached the door, he reached into his bag. Oh, James, I seem to have forgotten to give you this. He set a silver Aston Martin battery operated car on the floor and sent it over towards James. James jumped down, into the driver’s seat, and pulled up in front of Miss Jingles desk.

“Penguin, James Penguin, get in.”


End file.
